


When The Waves Come Crashing Down

by kitsunechikyu



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Angst, Bipolar Disorder, Even isn't doing well and kind of lashes out, Hugs, Hurt/Comfort, Insecurity, Isak is a good boyfriend, M/M, Mental Health Issues, but they make up and apologize
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-10
Updated: 2017-02-10
Packaged: 2018-09-23 06:23:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,539
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9644234
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kitsunechikyu/pseuds/kitsunechikyu
Summary: "When he’s depressed, the world seems muffled. Sound is muted, colours are dull and he feels weighed down by a thousand tons of negative emotion, making it impossible to breathe or tell which way is up. He always tries his best to swim back to the surface, but sometimes his lungs start to give out and his legs are too tired to kick any longer. Those are the days where Even thinks that perhaps it would simply be easier to give up and let the water overtake him. After all, they say that once the panic subsides, the rest is quite peaceful."





	

**Author's Note:**

> (Someone mentioned on tumblr that people tend to treat Even's depression as simply being sleepy and as something that can be cured purely with love, which is unfortunately untrue. Sometimes it is anger and pushing people away, and it can be hard to keep grounded. There is a happyish ending to this fic though, do not worry).

One of Even’s therapists had once asked him to describe what his depressive episodes felt like. At the time, he had shrugged and told her that it wasn’t something he could explain. He’d thought that it was too complicated to put into words. These days, following a little bit of introspection and a few more mental breakdowns, he has managed to liken it to one sensation;  _ drowning _ .

 

When he’s depressed, the world seems muffled. Sound is muted, colours are dull and he feels weighed down by a thousand tons of negative emotion, making it impossible to breathe or tell which way is up. He always tries his best to swim back to the surface, but sometimes his lungs start to give out and his legs are too tired to kick any longer. Those are the days where Even thinks that perhaps it would simply be easier to give up and let the water overtake him. After all, they say that once the panic subsides, the rest is quite peaceful.

 

He’s not that bad today, but he knows he will be soon if he doesn’t stop sinking.

 

It’s only been a couple months since Isak’s promise to take it a minute at a time, and though he appreciates the sentiment, a bitter part of him fears that it won’t be enough. Even worries that once Isak sees his destructive side, he’ll run and won’t come back. He wouldn’t be the first to leave because of his behaviour. Irrational irritability is yet another unfortunate state that accompanies the lows, and it can make Even nasty. 

 

It itches under his skin as he catches Isak glancing over at him nervously for the hundredth time.

 

“Would you stop that?” Even finally snaps, turning to face his boyfriend.

 

“Stop what?” Isak asks, feigning innocence.

 

Even huffs. Usually Isak’s puppy dog eyes would have him melting, but at the moment it just irks him more. Logically, he knows that the younger boy isn’t doing anything wrong. In fact, he’s handling it better than most, but that doesn’t help to ease the annoyance curling unpleasantly in Even’s gut.

 

“Looking at me like I’m going to fucking shatter,” he says.

 

Isak bites his lip, guilt playing across his features. He shifts in his seat.

 

“I’m sorry. I don’t mean to,” he says. “I’m just worried about you.”

 

Even wants to tell him it’s fine, but something inside is looking to pick a fight. He wants to feel something -  _ anything _ \- other than this terrible numbness and restlessness. So he doesn’t soothe Isak’s discomfort. Instead he lights a match under it and waits for everything to burn.

 

“This may come as a surprise to you, but I’m not completely useless,” Even bites out.

 

Isak begins to look frustrated.  _ Good _ , Even thinks.  _ The quicker he realizes how awful I am, the faster this will all be over.  _

 

“I never said that Even,” Isak says, reaching over to take his boyfriend’s hand.

 

Even jerks it away and crosses his arms instead, trying desperately to ignore the flash of hurt that appears on the other boy’s face. He pushes forward through grit teeth.

 

“Maybe not out loud, but I can tell you’re thinking it. You think I can’t handle myself.”

 

Isak furrows his brows at him.

 

“I know you can handle yourself,” he says. “It’s just that you’ve been low the last couple days and I wanna make sure you’re okay.”

 

“You mean you’re worried I might try to do something stupid,” Even states blankly.

 

“Would you stop putting words in my mouth?”

 

“It’s what you’re thinking.”

 

Isak throws his hands up in exasperation. 

 

“Well it’s not like I don’t have reasons to be wary, Even. You did walk out into the middle of the night with no clothes on and then send me some pretty cryptid texts afterward. I’m just trying to help,” he says, voice raising an octave.

 

Even stands up abruptly, nearly knocking his chair backwards. He can feel himself getting angrier by the second and it’s the most alive he’s felt in days. 

 

“Maybe you can’t Isak. And maybe you shouldn’t try. You were the one who told me you would be better off without mentally ill people in your life.”

 

Isak rears back like he’s been slapped and an awful vindictive part of Even feels satisfied at that. The victory slips through his fingers quickly though, because then the room becomes too quiet and he thinks that he’s really fucked up, that this is where Isak leaves him.  _ Maybe it’s for the best. _

 

Instead, the younger boy just slumps in his chair and looks down at his hands.

 

“I shouldn’t have said that to you. I’m sorry,” he whispers.

 

And suddenly, all of the anger is draining from Even’s system, leaving him exhausted. He sits back down and rubs a hand roughly over his face.

 

“Isak-” he starts.

 

“No, really. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that I wouldn’t want you. I would never not want you. I just- I said that because I was frustrated. Things at home were messed up and I wasn’t coping very well. My mom she’s- I wanna say that it’s different, but I guess it isn’t. It’s just more complicated, I guess. I know that it isn’t her fault that she’s sick, but I did kinda resent her for it.”

 

Isak flicks his eyes upward and looks at Even, gauging his reaction. 

 

“You know how I said my dad left?” he asks.

 

Even nods slowly.

 

“It was because he didn’t want to deal with her illness. They had been fighting a lot and mom was constantly in a panic. I had practically been spending all my time at Jonas’s just to avoid the noise. Eventually dad couldn’t handle it anymore, so he just got up and walked away. I was only sixteen and he left me to take care of her, even though I had no idea what I was doing.”

 

Isak takes a shuddering breath and Even has to physically restrain himself to stop from reaching out. 

 

“Sometimes she’s okay, but even when she’s at her most level-headed, she’s still obsessive. When she’s really bad it’s like she doesn’t recognise you. She’ll stand on the kitchen table or in the middle of the living room and scream about the world ending and how the angels are coming for the sinners.”

 

Even watches Isak shrink a little further into himself as he says the last part.

 

“She gets violent too. One time, we found her barricaded in the bathroom holding a steak knife, wailing about the apocalypse.”

 

He lets out a short burst of humorless laughter.

 

“I guess I blamed her a bit for not being able to take care of me. The kid isn’t really supposed to be acting like the parent, ya know? I’ve never hated her though, Even. I was just angry and confused. She was constantly sending me these long ass text messages about sin and repenting and it made me think that she wouldn’t love me anymore if she found out that I was gay.”

 

Isak raises his gaze to meet his boyfriend’s and tries to smile.

 

“I was wrong. She didn’t hate me, I was just being stupid and what I said was really ignorant. Besides, you aren’t her. I know you are perfectly capable of taking care of yourself most of the time, but I still worry because I don’t- I don’t want to be like my dad. I don’t want to abandon you when you are having a rough patch. I’m just not very good at navigating it all yet. But I’m not gonna leave. You aren’t alone remember?”

 

All Even can do is stare at the boy in front of him. This beautiful, warm-hearted boy, who is trying so hard to be everything that he needs, regardless of how inexperienced he is. Even can’t understand what he did to deserve that look of overwhelming fondness and affection. It makes him want to cry for reasons other than the general state of his headspace.

 

He stands up and walks over to Isak’s chair, taking his hands and pulling him up into a hug. He buries his face deep into the crook of his neck. Isak responds easily, wrapping his arms around the other’s waist. 

 

“I’m sorry,” Even mumbles into the base of Isak’s throat.

 

“It’s okay, baby,” he soothes.

 

His fingers tangle in the curls behind Even’s ears and he presses a kiss softly against his cheek.

 

“I’m not trying to be the bad guy. And I’ll try to stop smothering you. But please don’t push me away,” he says.

 

Even pulls back a bit and meets Isak’s gaze. There is insecurity dancing behind his eyes and he feels an awful pang of self-loathing for igniting it. 

 

“I’m gonna hurt you,” he says. “I already have and I will again. You’ll end up hating me.”

 

The words echo those spoken in a not too distant conversation.

 

“I will never hate you,” Isak says firmly.

 

Even nods and closes his eyes, resting his their foreheads together. He may feel like he’s sinking, but Isak is offering him a lifeline and he will do anything he can to hold onto it until he breaks the surface.

  
  



End file.
